In case you didn't notice

So I deleted all my old crap that no longer really applies and am starting over- hopefully for healing but probably mostly venting and ranting on and on about my lack of life

Been very down

So how do you know if you are serious?  How do you know you really just want it all to go away.  How often I desire that I can just go to sleep and it's all over.  I mean I had cancer, beat it so I have had an extra 11 years.  I am so close to my youngest child that I do not want to hurt her.  D1 and H would be fine they may even be happy that they no longer have to "deal" with me.  But D2.... D2 is what has kept me here so many times.  I know that she and H fight a lot and disagree but she would be crushed.  The absolute thing that scares me the most is one of my girls finding me.  I also would not want it to be messy.  I want those who choose to come and mourn my passing to be able to say good bye.  It's funny how people think of those after they are gone.  Now, I would say I have one friend, my sister.  I do know exactly how I will do it.  I will wait until both girls are out of the house and at school.  I don't know if H will be here or not... never know.  I won't do it near break, or maybe near a non important break but not around the holidays.  Maybe near my birthday so when I am remembered maybe people will remember me more for being alive than what I did.  I have written all the notes to my family members a million times in my head it will be just a matter of putting it on paper.  I am concerned about my animals so I will have to find them homes first since H does not like having them.  There are days that the only love and appreciation I receive is from them- even the crazy one that bites at me.  So my plan you ask...

Well I will make sure that I will not be able to be stopped yet will be found within a short time.  I will leave a note to the police on my windshield telling them where I have placed my key inside the magnetic box under my car so they can get me out.  I will place all the letters on the front seat, lay down in the back seat and take enough pills to make me sleep, then just take enough insulin to have it be done.  I wouldn't want to be in the front seat as that could be disturbing to someone who passes by my car.  

I know that no matter how you do it no suicide is painless.  The people left hurt the most.  I am most concerned about D2.  She loves me and I know that.  She will be at an age that won't be as scarring as if I did it now while she's in HS.  H won't care and D1 does not care about or respect me now so she will get over it.  It will just be another thing that her crazy mom did.... 

I have no desire to socialize or leave my house most days.  When I am at work it is very isolated.  

When I think about my sis... I worry what her kids will think, they are much younger than mine.  

I just want the pain to stop... I want to no longer hear how horrible I am

Just let me sleep