I Know it's been awhile

So, 

Yes, I know it has been a long time but in my defense, I am now working a second job.  Reason being that teenagers are expensive.  Particularly ones who do not have jobs and both drive... What was supposed to be 15-20 hours a week was 27 hours and 5 days last week.  On days I work both jobs, I go from one to another with 30 minutes in between and then close at the other, making it a 15 hour day.  I am not 22 anymore so that means double shifts are hard.  Oh yeah... they suck too.  But to do it for my kids, well that makes it worth it. If it helps them get more college paid for by them being able to have more time to dedicate themselves to a sport or activity, in addition to their schoolwork, then so be it.  Life has been pretty exhausting lately, painful and achey also.  I am at job one and wish I had a pillow to lay my head on my desk with to nap for a bit.  Problem is, job two starts at 3:30 and then goes until 10.  I most likely will be asleep by 10:30...

I know it's been a bit.....but cats and sinus infections and well just gross shit awaits you if you dare to read....

Things have just been crazy, too crazy to even think or wallow as usual.  We just got 2 new cats that were once feral and they have spayed/neutered them, microchipped them, and now they will be my mouse hunters.  They are actually really sweet cats.  I don't know if its the Dr Doolittle in me but I have always been able to pick up strays, approach "dangerous watch dogs" and have never once been bit or nipped.  I was the kid always coming home with something, begging to keep it.  I've had snakes, lizards, guinea pigs, rats as pets, rats for snake food, a rabbit, multiple dogs and cats at some point.  Mostly when I was a kid, though.  Since being a parent I have only had dogs and outdoor cats.  Now with that being said, I have bred dogs, and shown them- so no other time for anything else.  Plus a 5 ft iguana or a 15 ft snake aren't very kid friendly.  Other than having a bad (and by bad I mean my molars hurt and light is causing migraines) sinus infection I have been better.  Due to that I am not going to ramble along.  Last night I had a nose bleed from the sinus infection, I know not what usually happens, for over an hour.  Without going into details... wait you don't know me so fuck it.... details!  I went through 2 paper towels, 2 wads of TP and about 5 kleenexes.  Twice when I pulled whatever out to check, I pulled HUGE blot/snot clots out that were so big and gross I had to show H just so I had a witness.  Speaking of H, H and I have somewhat agreed regarding finances, he just gave up and realized that I check the balance on my phone before making a purchase, and no I will not log a $3 charge at McD's in the checkbook.  

So here I sit.... waiting for the doctor to call me back because the antibiotic they gave me is doing nothing.  Nothing!  The last time it was this bad they gave me 2 z-packs which did nothing, then sent me to an ENT.  I tried to explain that in the past I had to be given Cipro to get rid of the bad ones, but since the doctor I have had since 16 moved to Wisconsin, I was now seeing her former partner.  I like her but she does not know the depths of my medical history.  Let's just say after diabetes at 18, 2 very high risk diabetic pregnancies, cancer,  lots of surgeries to remove cysts.  Maybe I'll elaborate on the roadmap that is my abdomen after all this crap tomorrow, so come back for that explanation.  Also car crashes only one my fault, but not really since my insulin pump malfunctioned.  And So on and so on.  I have 4 full files and am about to have to start my 5th.  She had only been seeing me for about 6 months so no Cipro.  ENT did not believe it was sinus infection since no fever.  I don't get fevers often and my normal body temp is always around the mid to upper 96.somethings.  Reason 1 why I hate super hot summertime so much.  For me if I hit 99.0 that's a fever, but they never see it that way.  I told them that but no meds- he prescribes an MRI to see what the real issue is.  So I wait 4-5 days to get the MRI done, then another 4-5 days to see him, of course he is only at the office by my house 2 days a week..... Pure Awesomeness!!! So as I am in the room, he pulls out the report, of course for the first time.  If he would have looked at it for a minute when it got back and was sent over, or actually upstairs, yeah same building....  He could have saved us both time and me a lot of pain if he would have opened the envelope.  He holds it up to the light and says "Wow! That's an infection!"  DUH "Not so much your upper sinuses but you lower sinuses are horribly impacted, I surprised you don't look more swollen." 

GRRRR  DUH!!! 

He re reads my chart and writes an Rx for, you guessed it, Cipro. 

Does any doctor think that I would want this for something simple?  It destroys all the good bacteria in your whole system, digestive and female... and then medicine is needed for that.  Please can you give me an antibiotic that will make it impossible to be more than 3 steps away from the toilet.  Yeah thanks that will help with this cold that I have.....

Still waiting... Feel like death!!!

Had some hectic times..... Warning:venting below

So Monday no power- transformer exploded- awesome then they fixed that and a pole caught fire.  

Oy Vey..

So H said that what he did was childish and uncalled for but he just needed to get away.  Whatever, I had a horrible weekend and I am still sore from all the yard work and crap that I did.  With that being said, I have been asking for my fence to be fixed for months.  The beginning of the year two of the four screws that latch the fence, or should I say hold the latch to the fence door portion have come out because the end of that piece of wood going across the fence gate is starting to separate.  Now I bought a much larger and sturdier piece of cedar and asked if he could replace it.  I also got a portion of cedar to go on the outside of the gate where the latch is so that he can drill through the fence and place 4 bolts with washers and nuts to secure this latch.  

We are now down to one screw holding the gate on to the fence.  The fence is 8 years old and I have replaced the hinges and latches in the past to have very secure and sturdy hardware.  I would compare them to barn door hinges and such.  The bolts and washers and all that are 8 inches long so they would pass through whatever the thickness is.  Problem is, I want the old rotting wood removed and replaced then the new wood attached to the fence slats on the gate and have the gate secured.  Sigh He said he would do this months ago then I got him to commit to Monday and it is still not done.  I have 2 boulders holding the gate in place so that the animals do not get out.  So frustrating.  I am tempted to call the fence company and have them fix it and have him pay the bill.  I get that it has been raining on and off but Sunday night and Monday it was nice and could have been completed.

On another note D1 needs a wake up call- she needs a job.  Not a little seasonal, I think I can get a job at a costume store 2 weeks before halloween job.  She needs to do grunt work.  I am sick of her doing the minimum to get by.  Example when asked to put the food away please at least soak the pots if there was stuff cooked in them and wipe down the counter.  I would think being a senior in HS- these things are pretty obvious, but no....

I suspect that I will not see him until Monday

So seeing that H told me he had stuff set up through Sunday, I suspect he will not be home until late Monday.  I was thinking the last time I was happy was during my affair.  It was not a truly honest happy, but it felt like it.  I felt loved and desired, cherished, wanted.  I don't see that happening again. It was wrong, I realize now why I did it but it did not solve the problem.  I was not whisked off by a knight in a shiny sports car, rescued from my life of hurt.  The hurt was still there.

Ugh

So the only response that I got to my text asking why I didn't know he was going away for a weekend, was that he did not want to say anything mean.  I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for the next, I don't even know for how long.  I can't remember the last time I was truly happy and didn't have to force a smile.

So hurt

I feel so hurt, I texted H and told him that I could not believe that he did not tell me what he had planned.  I also asked the girls if they knew and they did.  I just want to be loved.  I just want someone to hug me in a way that is not forced.  I want to be held in a way that makes me melt into that person.  Don't I deserve to be loved?  I am so hurt, I want the pain to go away.  I have always wanted the fairy tale.  I know that there is no such thing as a fairy tale ending.  I just did not expect as much as despair and hurt that I feel.  I feel that I have become so beaten down by anger and yelling.  

Perfect timing - maybe

Well.... Today I have been horribly depressed.  I am so lonely and miss being loved, or maybe ore specifically feeling loved.  I just want someone to feel like I make their life better.  I feel that I make most peoples life worse.  When I woke up thins morning, late after I had taken today off work, I see H packing, not sure for what.  Now this morning the girls both left for Conference finals for their sport.  I am home alone all weekend.  I was so tempted to complete things today, but the girls will be home before H.  If they would be home after him, it may have happened.  I have cried each and every day this week, either at night or at work.  With work being stressful because of Peter, I needed today off as a sanity day.  Unfortunately my sanity day off finds H packing.  Now if I would have gone to work today, I would have come home to him gone, for the weekend.  After he left I just cried, thinking how could he love and care so little. I wish more than anything it was this situation three or fours years from now, I have a good amount of pain pills, sleeping pills and insulin.  I just have not had time to write my notes and letters.  I have not thought what I would write to H, I know what I would write to many friends, my dad obviously, D2 and my sister.  

When I finally got around to looking at email, due to all the news items all around the interwebs and papers, I found this...

http://catholicexchange.com/catholic-response-suffering-euthanasia

When I read this it did strike a chord with me, and I cried again.  I was there when my mom took her last breath.  They said she was brain dead and when the machines would be turned off it could take 2 minutes to 2 hours or more.  She struggled while I held her hand.  I told her that it was ok to go, my sister was about 3 weeks away from delivering her first child.  I assured my mom that we would be ok and that I would take care of her and make sure she was ok.  A single tear rolled down her cheek and she stopped breathing and he heart stopped.  It was hard.  Harder for me because I was the only one in the family that she had expressed her desire to not stay hooked up to machines.  She had been sick for a while and had a stroke 

and heart stoppage while in surgery to repair bedsores.  I know my mom has battled depression her whole life but it had never been treated.  I feel that his is going to be a very painful weekend, full of hurt and anguish.  

May write frequently to keep my sanity and avoid both D's coming home to an empty house. 

Life can be crap

So things suck....

Work sucks, I hate the other person that is in my office.  He is the definition of hostile work enviroment.  He refuses to talk to customers, or leaves them on hold for a long time until they hang up.  Will send me an email rather than speak to me, even when I am within eyesight.  Is just plain mean ..... I explained where my kids were playing golf for the regionals, and he said oh so they are playing against the crappy teams then.  What an asshole.  I told him that I may have a contact that I could refer to our company, he said that he has many friends that could use our companies services but would never refer them to us because our prices are too high and our service sucks.  He is horrible and no matter what I say to the owner, nothing happens.  We are a small business that has 15 ppl here, I don't have the same support that I would have with a larger company.  Work compiled with everything else just seems to push me further into a downward spiral 

This is where equating my success with my job or status sucks so much.

One simple letter

One letter will be easy to write.  It will be to my dad if he is still alive.  I have chosen not to speak to him for at least 2 years.  My life has been a bit better since then but it is still full of pain.  My mother passed 10 years ago and I am still torn wheather or not she knew and ignored it.  I am still angry today that she stayed with my dad, made him go talk to a priest, and took me for counseling.  Of course I was 14, maybe 15 so after I was done my mom would go in for a few minutes and get the scoop.  I never was fully open, I put on my fake happy face as I have done often, well and continue to do.

So the letter....

It is your fault.  It is because of what you did to me that I was in so much pain that I took my life.  You took my childhood, my self esteem, my ability to see my self worth.  I wish I was stronger and more independent and would have left at 18 and never looked back.  The main reason I did not was my 13 year old sister, who had attempted suicide in the past year.  I knew that if I would have left, so would she.  Don't be sad that I am gone as I had purposely pushed you out of my life.  Feel guilt, feel anguish at the pain you caused the entire family.  Know that you ruined me, and as I will have asked for forgiveness for my act being the only thing that would stop my pain, I will also ask that a just God  will not hear any claims you make of being repentant as if you truly were, you would not have inflicted the pain on my sister after I finally spoke out.  You are evil and I hope that even if you only live to take one breath more than me you have the chance to feel the pain that I have felt.

Now while I understand that this will not work if he dies before me, and he is sick so he may..... I will not mourn and if I attend, it will be to get the proof that this evil is gone from the earth and will longer share the same air and sunshine of those that I love.

Couple of things happened yesterday

Success---- Awesome cheesecake with all homemade cheese- secret recipe sorry can't share....

Then the rest.....

H told 2 that he did not make her pay for homecoming but he put $20 in her savings account.  Then that turned into him yelling and her getting upset and running to her room crying.  I went in to hug her and tell her that it was not my intention to make it into a fight but to show her that he did not only make her pay for HC.  We hugged and snuggled for some time then she went to bed.  

I was in bed upset and can't remember what he said but told him not to worry because he will be able to move on soon enough.  Kind of gave him an overview of my plans but nothing specific.  Told him that I was so tired of hurting and just wanted it to be over.  He mentioned how I give more affection to the dogs than I do him, I answered honestly that's because the give it back.  He tried to hug and snuggle with me all night even though when he did it made me cry.  Mostly because it did not feel sincere.  I told him I would wait until the right time and I would make sure the girls are secure and since D1 won't really care anyway, I will do everything I can to make sure that D2 understands and that I leave appropriate hand written notebooks to my close family.  

Part of me thinks that I have distanced myself from my friends, my BFF in particular so it worn't hurt them as much.  That's my only concern is that ending my pain may cause this same lifelong pain for others..........

So anyway

So  I guess I got quite a lot of things done today.  My banana bread turned out awesome.  I must say the best I ever made.  H has been trying to seem civil, however..... I took advantage of the insurance plan we have on our cell phones to replace D2's cell phone which has had a messed up screen.  H has always been crazy about money and spending.  More so with D2 than with D1, now when homecoming came up he flipped out over the cost of the tickets for the girls.  2 could hear him freaking out and yelling at me for registering them and that they needed the money before payday. 2 had a babysitting gig and as soon as he picked her up, three days after the tickets were paid for and still a week before the dance, she gave him the $20 she earned to cover her ticket.  He never told me this and he never asked 1 for money or to even contribute to the ticket.  Well, H was checking the bank balance on his phone while at work and as soon as he got in his car, he calls me.  "What was bought at xxx cell carrier?  I saw a $5 charge."  Yes there is a $5 processing fee to get a new phone.  Better than having it break and have it turn out to be something not covered by the insurance.  Really?  It's $5!  I just don't get it.  Then when 2 and I go to a salon school so she can get her hair cut for $10 and save money, he takes 1 out to dinner spending $40 and questioned me for spending $8 at a home store while waiting for 2 to be done.  When he came home upset about the $5, I was read the riot act about how little I do around the house.  Complaining that I never do dishes, but then said that he noticed that they were done that day and thanked me.  I had also trimmed all the trees, pulled out all the plants in the garden, put away the tomato cages.  I also seeded the area where our pool was and bought straw and spread the straw watered the area, got the seed, pulled out an unused section that had pavers on the dirt to seed that 5 by5 area.  I found mice under the pavers and killed 4 large mice severing them in half with the shovel and soaking the area with water while pounding the ground with a sledge hammer until I could no longer hear squeaking, but I do nothing around the house.  These are the reasons that I can only tolerate life for a few more years.  The thought of being alone with him makes me so depressed.  I am scared of his mean streak and know it will come at me if we are alone. 

Sometimes Saturdays are awesome

So as I sit here watching a movie for the 3387th time, I am waiting for my cream cheese to be done.  I  started it last night and made fresh cottage cheese this morning.  That means for the first time I will make the best cheesecake in the world with all fresh homemade cheese.  Yum. Yum. Yum. Yum.  I am salivating thinking about it.  Then a little later today I will make banana bread.  Secret tip, butter the pan and then dust it with sugar cinnamon mix and the whole crust takes like a muffin top.  Also having a nice quiet day, just me and the dogs.  Love my little fur kids, and when they lean against me or climb up to snuggle, it's the best......

I figured some stuff out....

Not really changing my plans... However, I did realize some stuff that kind of makes things clearer in regards to my pain.  I do plan on getting Notebooks and writing everyone over the next couple of years.  

I was molested when I was a child.  With that being said, I did not have a true childhood.  I have never experienced unconditional love.  Which explains why I have always been such an animal person.  They just truly love.  I have many things that I regret about the time I was being abused.  I regret that I felt so ashamed to say anything because if I had maybe my sister would not have also been abused.  At the time in my childish mind, I thought that if I took the brunt of it then my sister would be safe. Well we all know how that thinking works out.  I wish I could tell other girls that if you think you are protecting a sibling by not saying anything, you are wrong.  Please speak up to someone.  I know it is scary to say something and completely embarrassing to say something to a teacher that you admire and think that you may disrupt the one part of your life that's "normal", but do it.  Do it for siblings for friends who may sleep over your house.

Because of love being conditional, I sought it in the only way I knew how.  I was sexually active by choice at 13.  I was in 8th grade and lied to say I was 17 and in High School.  I don't even know if you would say dated, but pursued a 19 year old college student and shortly after meeting him had sex.  I lied and said it was not my first time and that my time of the month must have shown up.  I pursued many older men, sometimes 10 or more years older.  I remember being 15 and being picked up by a guy who was 26 at my house for a date. By then I was telling my real age.  It disturbs me now to think that they were ok with my age.  Even when I was 14 the then 20 turning 21 year old did not really care and we still met often for sex.  We met often till I was 19 and when I called his parents house, his mom was so upset that I could not make it to the wedding the previous weekend.  This was 3 weeks after we had sex.  I wrote a letter to his wife, placed it in a pink wedding looking card and addressed it to the address that his mother freely gave me.  I relayed all the details of our relationship.  I hope it provided a red flag to her.  

I sought after older men.  Once in a relationship I have always tested the relationship.  I Suppose almost wanting it to fail to prove that true love was not there.  I have always dreamed of that fairy tale, which does not exist. The problem is that I have never understood what true love is.  I have never had a healthy example of what a relationship should be.  I have cheated on my spouse.  I have sought out old 'true loves' only to have that fail.  I have always judged my value and worth by something.  

I have never been enough.

• Never pretty enough
• Never smart enough
• Never thin enough
• Boobs not big enough
• Life not perfect enough

I have always looked at success through something-

• If I could get a guy off or was good enough for him to have sex with
• School- I could never do enough extra credit or have enough A+'s in honors classes
• Had to take the Mensa test to proove that I was smart
• Had to have the best job- when that went away I fell into bouts of depression- severe depression
• Had to be the choice over Mr whomever's wife
• Had to have the big house
• Had to have the awesome car- hint mercedes are money pits and even though the older mercedes was once 100K- it costs a fortune for each repair.
• It goes on and on and on and on 

and on and on and on and on......

How do I stop it?

In case you didn't notice

So I deleted all my old crap that no longer really applies and am starting over- hopefully for healing but probably mostly venting and ranting on and on about my lack of life

Been very down

So how do you know if you are serious?  How do you know you really just want it all to go away.  How often I desire that I can just go to sleep and it's all over.  I mean I had cancer, beat it so I have had an extra 11 years.  I am so close to my youngest child that I do not want to hurt her.  D1 and H would be fine they may even be happy that they no longer have to "deal" with me.  But D2.... D2 is what has kept me here so many times.  I know that she and H fight a lot and disagree but she would be crushed.  The absolute thing that scares me the most is one of my girls finding me.  I also would not want it to be messy.  I want those who choose to come and mourn my passing to be able to say good bye.  It's funny how people think of those after they are gone.  Now, I would say I have one friend, my sister.  I do know exactly how I will do it.  I will wait until both girls are out of the house and at school.  I don't know if H will be here or not... never know.  I won't do it near break, or maybe near a non important break but not around the holidays.  Maybe near my birthday so when I am remembered maybe people will remember me more for being alive than what I did.  I have written all the notes to my family members a million times in my head it will be just a matter of putting it on paper.  I am concerned about my animals so I will have to find them homes first since H does not like having them.  There are days that the only love and appreciation I receive is from them- even the crazy one that bites at me.  So my plan you ask...

Well I will make sure that I will not be able to be stopped yet will be found within a short time.  I will leave a note to the police on my windshield telling them where I have placed my key inside the magnetic box under my car so they can get me out.  I will place all the letters on the front seat, lay down in the back seat and take enough pills to make me sleep, then just take enough insulin to have it be done.  I wouldn't want to be in the front seat as that could be disturbing to someone who passes by my car.  

I know that no matter how you do it no suicide is painless.  The people left hurt the most.  I am most concerned about D2.  She loves me and I know that.  She will be at an age that won't be as scarring as if I did it now while she's in HS.  H won't care and D1 does not care about or respect me now so she will get over it.  It will just be another thing that her crazy mom did.... 

I have no desire to socialize or leave my house most days.  When I am at work it is very isolated.  

When I think about my sis... I worry what her kids will think, they are much younger than mine.  

I just want the pain to stop... I want to no longer hear how horrible I am

Just let me sleep