Well.... Today I have been horribly depressed. I am so lonely and miss being loved, or maybe ore specifically feeling loved. I just want someone to feel like I make their life better. I feel that I make most peoples life worse. When I woke up thins morning, late after I had taken today off work, I see H packing, not sure for what. Now this morning the girls both left for Conference finals for their sport. I am home alone all weekend. I was so tempted to complete things today, but the girls will be home before H. If they would be home after him, it may have happened. I have cried each and every day this week, either at night or at work. With work being stressful because of Peter, I needed today off as a sanity day. Unfortunately my sanity day off finds H packing. Now if I would have gone to work today, I would have come home to him gone, for the weekend. After he left I just cried, thinking how could he love and care so little. I wish more than anything it was this situation three or fours years from now, I have a good amount of pain pills, sleeping pills and insulin. I just have not had time to write my notes and letters. I have not thought what I would write to H, I know what I would write to many friends, my dad obviously, D2 and my sister.
When I finally got around to looking at email, due to all the news items all around the interwebs and papers, I found this...
When I read this it did strike a chord with me, and I cried again. I was there when my mom took her last breath. They said she was brain dead and when the machines would be turned off it could take 2 minutes to 2 hours or more. She struggled while I held her hand. I told her that it was ok to go, my sister was about 3 weeks away from delivering her first child. I assured my mom that we would be ok and that I would take care of her and make sure she was ok. A single tear rolled down her cheek and she stopped breathing and he heart stopped. It was hard. Harder for me because I was the only one in the family that she had expressed her desire to not stay hooked up to machines. She had been sick for a while and had a stroke
and heart stoppage while in surgery to repair bedsores. I know my mom has battled depression her whole life but it had never been treated. I feel that his is going to be a very painful weekend, full of hurt and anguish.
May write frequently to keep my sanity and avoid both D's coming home to an empty house.
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