I was molested when I was a child. With that being said, I did not have a true childhood. I have never experienced unconditional love. Which explains why I have always been such an animal person. They just truly love. I have many things that I regret about the time I was being abused. I regret that I felt so ashamed to say anything because if I had maybe my sister would not have also been abused. At the time in my childish mind, I thought that if I took the brunt of it then my sister would be safe. Well we all know how that thinking works out. I wish I could tell other girls that if you think you are protecting a sibling by not saying anything, you are wrong. Please speak up to someone. I know it is scary to say something and completely embarrassing to say something to a teacher that you admire and think that you may disrupt the one part of your life that's "normal", but do it. Do it for siblings for friends who may sleep over your house.
Because of love being conditional, I sought it in the only way I knew how. I was sexually active by choice at 13. I was in 8th grade and lied to say I was 17 and in High School. I don't even know if you would say dated, but pursued a 19 year old college student and shortly after meeting him had sex. I lied and said it was not my first time and that my time of the month must have shown up. I pursued many older men, sometimes 10 or more years older. I remember being 15 and being picked up by a guy who was 26 at my house for a date. By then I was telling my real age. It disturbs me now to think that they were ok with my age. Even when I was 14 the then 20 turning 21 year old did not really care and we still met often for sex. We met often till I was 19 and when I called his parents house, his mom was so upset that I could not make it to the wedding the previous weekend. This was 3 weeks after we had sex. I wrote a letter to his wife, placed it in a pink wedding looking card and addressed it to the address that his mother freely gave me. I relayed all the details of our relationship. I hope it provided a red flag to her.
I sought after older men. Once in a relationship I have always tested the relationship. I Suppose almost wanting it to fail to prove that true love was not there. I have always dreamed of that fairy tale, which does not exist. The problem is that I have never understood what true love is. I have never had a healthy example of what a relationship should be. I have cheated on my spouse. I have sought out old 'true loves' only to have that fail. I have always judged my value and worth by something.
I have never been enough.
- Never pretty enough
- Never smart enough
- Never thin enough
- Boobs not big enough
- Life not perfect enough
I have always looked at success through something-
- If I could get a guy off or was good enough for him to have sex with
- School- I could never do enough extra credit or have enough A+'s in honors classes
- Had to take the Mensa test to proove that I was smart
- Had to have the best job- when that went away I fell into bouts of depression- severe depression
- Had to be the choice over Mr whomever's wife
- Had to have the big house
- Had to have the awesome car- hint mercedes are money pits and even though the older mercedes was once 100K- it costs a fortune for each repair.
- It goes on and on and on and on
and on and on and on and on......
How do I stop it?
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